God blows me away

I have had such amazing things happen. The funny thing is I never even saw them happening til I saw the fruits of them.
I was having a really bad weekend. I was having the usual Christmas bad memory screens, my home health working company was causing me problems and on top of that I was missing Mike so bad it was insane. On Monday I kind of just came to the end of my rope and called a friend who prayed with me and encouraged me which I am so thankful to God for. I worked through it and thought to myself. Gee I thought I was improving and how did I back track so badly? I was reminded that we all stumble from time to time and not to keep looking back. God doesnt care so much about what we do as who we are. I always kinda knew that to a point but I am finally "getting" it and its like a rest I've never ever known before. So good and bad He wants both and loves me in them.
I could see how much i'd laid this down when my friend who knows Mike called me and said he'd ordered tickets for me but it was at a taping he was gonna do so there was no way I could go. What he was thinking I dont know but regardless I called my sister and asked her if she wanted them. She was so suprized that I would want her too but I told her "Your relationship with him has nothing to do with our relationship together".
I could not say that a couple months ago, even a month ago. God is so cool

Family is fun :/

So Im really trying to handle this separation well even though Im not feeling it and now my mother decides because she's having a hard time with the holidays she'll take it out on me.
Yesterday i was on the phone and I didnt know my cell phone was on "silent" so my sister called and couldnt get ahold of me. Of course she freaked out and told my mom and my mom comes over in a huff that she had to check on me cause I "wouldnt" answer my phone. Ok I can understand being frustrated at that but she said I gotta go and I said well can I have a hug first? She said of all things, "Do I have too?" Shes never said that to me
Ouch ouch and double ouch.
So anyways I try to work through it thinking shes human bla bla but it still stung so I spent alot of the morning crying so hard I had dry heaves.
I cannot wait til the holidays are over.

What an amazing day

My schedule got rearranged today because of some people that had different scheduled I needed to meet with so although I had a counseling appointment today, I couldn't go to NAMI group. Well I get to CW early for it and the group leader is still there and comes out to chat with me, asking me why I couldnt come to group and so on. So I told her and we start chit chatting and she tells me about this lady thats going through alot of the same things I've been going through with Mike and such. I didnt really think of it as more then conversation that goes on between NAMIAN's but then she walks of and nonchalantly mentions that they want me to be her peer counselor so I go "But Denise I havent even finished the consumer training" so she said I know but you have been making such progress and had such growth we really think you'd be good working with people even now. so I agreed to tell her to call me so we shall see but wow. It has to be only God that did that because I didnt even ask to be used right now Im just going to learn.
So anyways another neat thing that happened for me today is I've been missing the Christmas tradition of stockings because my mom had decided years ago that its too much of a bother for her so she didnt want to do that anymore so we all just went with it even though it was a missing piece.
My sister picked me up today and she goes "Do you want your early Christmas present today or tomorrow?" like Im gonna say tomorrow to a present, right. Lol Guess what it was :D a stocking fully loaded. I almost cried it meant so much to me. I guess because of the healing I'm still needing that was a part of God's hug for me. I really had a good day :)

This week has been really awesome

Mike and I signed off for our separation today which may not sound like a good thing but I feel SO relieved. I feel like a 100 pound weight has lifted off me.
Court went fairly good Tuesday. I didnt have to say anything cause my lawyer did so that was good. Mike got a little stinky at the end but hes hurting so ok.
When I got home I celebrated by Christmas decorating :) It looks so nice and I love the way it makes things so much brighter and happier.
The day after I found out that my team of supporters had their meeting and it went well so now everyone is on the same page which really makes me happy cause then Im not telling this one one thing and then another has to pass things along. The grapevine thing sucked. I have much more peace knowing I can relax and everything is taken care of and so I can take care of me.

Yesterday could NOT have been worse but then got better

So I went to NAMI yesterday and it was pretty intense, have a good friend that was having a very hard time and I felt so bad for her. Then I had counseling, she did her job but she wasnt very nice to me. She brought up stuff I really didnt want brought up.
So I was tired after all that but I thought "ok Im just gonna go home and take a nap" but no. My ride was 2 HOURS late. For a company thats been providing rides for 20 years you'd think they would have no excuse for making people wait that long. So I ws waiting and this creepy guy was walking around which I usually ignore because it is a mental health facility and its to be expected but he suddenly comes standing right over me and hovering. Usually the people at the desk buffer that but they were busy and bla bla. So he hovers over me and asks if I text message like implying he wanted to on my phone but I was really freaking so I just said "yes I do " and put my head down and ignored him. He said "F..U" and walked away finally. So Im grumpy about my ride being so late then that happens on top of all the emotion I already had to deal with.
I got home and was just gonna lock myself in my room for the night but my mom called and asked if I wanted to go to the mall and a movie so I was like "Yeeeeessss pleeeeasse". So we went and it was a good distraction. We saw the new "A Christmas Carol" which was a bit creepier then I thought necessary but its 2009 so guess I cant expect any less. But it knocked me out of the sucky reality that was my day so that was good.
So ya yesterday is gone and today is today so I guess I'll just breath deep and hope for a better day.

Soooo relieved

I had my LAST appt with my lawyer today for the next 6 months. Now I feel like I can finally move on without thinking about,dreaming about,being angry at and missing Mike. I can finally get him out of my freakin head and I can move on. I am am ready to do the happy dance.

Plans for Tomorrow

So I got creative. Im tired of being bummed so I made a plan to get together with a friend of mine that is kinda going through the same thing and we are gonna have a party!
I ordered a "Happy UnAnniversary cake" hehe. I got streamers and balloons too lol. I know its a little overkill but hey life is sometimes like that. I am excited and I think tomorrow should be fun :).

Having a really rough go of it.

Tuesday will be the first anniversary since my husband and I split up. I knew it would be hard but knowing it and then actually facing it are two different things. I miss him terribly even though Im the one that left and there are days I do really really well and I even thought I was on the upswing but all the sudden Im plummeting to my death. God only knows the desperation Im feeling right now. I feel like Im struggling just to stay afloat and my boat is sinking faster then I can bail the water out.
I hate being lonely, I hate being in this situation. Im grumpy, Im weepy and I just want to scream even though I know it wont help matters any.
I know I know trust in God bla bla bla. Well you people that want to preach can just go poo in the lake.Hows THAT for being honest?

Wow what a couple of weeks its been.

I had my "pre surgery on my leg and it has seemed to get rid of my hip pain all together. :) Im so happy but at the same time its hurt so long its been kind of surreal. I am able to straighten my leg more then I ever have and even put it on the floor when Im sitting in my chair.
Im glad it worked because the actual procedure was pretty traumatic. They couldn't find a vein on me for nooothing and I kid you not I have 6 BIG bruises on both arms. I look like I was beat up by a gang for Pet'es sake. They finally put me to sleep which I am SO thankful for to get the I.V. in and they also put me out all together as opposed to the "twilight sleep" they were gonna do.
I have been Oh well, it was worth it getting rid of pain I've had for nearly 15 years.
I've been kinda missing Mike this week. The holidays are coming up soon and its going to be awkward dealing with my family without him. Im kinda scared they are gonna trash him the whole time even though I still very much love him and also know I cant be with him til God does some huge changes in both of us.
Someone asked me today if he'd been abusive and it was really hard for me to answer honestly that he had been mentally and emotionally because I still have such an empty feeling without him. There is part of me that has hope for God to change us and make it better and there is another part that is terrified that it will be good for a while but just go back to being hurtful again.
I guess all I can do is do my part in obeying God and trying my very best to trust Him.

Quotes from the book Get Out of That Pit - Beth Moore

Even if the steering wheel fits, you don't have to keep gripping it.

No matter what's on your feet, you can take this fact to the spiritual bank: a pit only gets deeper. Low ground always sinks. There's no living at maintenance level in the pit.

Our imaginations were fashioned like wicks to be ignited by the fire of fresh revelation, dripping with wax that God can imprint with His endless signatures

In light of God's shining upon us, we also glimpse refections of our true selves. We are meant to see ourselves as part of something so much bigger then we are.

When we won't forgive, the people we often want to be around least because they hurt us so badly are the very people we take with us emotionally everywhere we go.

There's no telling what kind of bludgeon the enemy wanted to use against you and against me, but in each of our lives God has only allowed what He knew after much thought and deliberation could be used for good, for the helping- even saving - of many lives.

We can't fool Him by hiding our inner motive. God looks intently not only on what we've done and how, but also why we did it.

He doesnt need us to feel small so He can feel big

10/7/09

I've been trying to piece together a few things in the last 3 weeks. I realize this journey thing is gonna take a while but sometimes I just want it to go away. I'm glad I got the restraining order in some ways but in other ways its been more trouble then its worth and I want to just drop it.
I dont know how to explain the confusion Im going through right now. One minute I miss him and the next I want the divorce right now. I think about the good times when we are apart and then when we do have to see eachother even with supervision my heart wants to run away fast.
I feel like a nut job but I know it is part of the process.
At least spiritually I'm seeing some improvement...
I had that dream a couple weeks ago about me having a mission to take something to Jerusalem which is strange for me cause Im not really one to get into the "spiritual politic" stuff so I never even think about things like that.
I kinda put it on the shelf for a while then I went to that meeting on Saturday with the guest speaker who I was planning on avoiding for the rest of my life. I felt like God and me struggled til I conceded even though in my heart of hearts he knows i want to obey
After that I felt like I finally felt unblocked in my spirit in regards to the bible. I have been feeling blocked for 8 almost 9 years so Im amazed.
Psalm 42:7 has been on my heart a lot about Deep calls to deep. Never understood that verse at all til I ran into a commentary that was talking about how it refers to Two raging bodies of water kind of overtaking each other. Like white water and a waterfall. One is louder and bigger then the other but they interact and at times when they mix yo cant tell one from the other. I think thats what our relationship with Him is suppose to be like. Hes bigger and stronger but when we interact no one can tell us from Him.