Growth

Growth is a strange thing. Sometimes it comes in forms that look good and display beauty in a person. You can see more joy more peace more whatever. Sometimes however it comes in being more tough skinned and stronger, more assertive. That doesn't "look" pretty but it turns into good.

I know this last couple years have been a real growth spurt for me. Its been the "ugly" kind though. I'm more able to speak up for myself and more willing to be honest with people when I don't like the way I'm being treated. This is good except it has changed the way some people that are close to me see me. They don't like the change so I feel less acceptable to them even though I feel more acceptable to me.

I know I'll eventually "grow" into this but right now I don't really like it that much. I liked having peoples approval and pats on the back. I don't like being told I am not doing things right or that I'm not being "christian" enough because I wont take crap. Seems unfair somehow since the very same people expect me to treat them the way I'd like to be treated.

I know ultimately its the Lord's approval I'm after and someday that will be enough for me. Working out my own salvation is pretty hard.

I really want to learn how

Mike has really been stressed lately because our finances are really tight, I mean REALLY tight. Of course now that it is his computer that he makes a living on is struggling for survival. He just bought a new hard drive but because he has SO many of them and so much on them it's on overload.
I really try not to let his stress affect me but seriously it does. I don't understand why anger and yelling chills me to the bones but it does. I have tried to tell him this many times but its his way of working through what hes going through. I need to be the one to find out how to take care of my emotions in spite of his.
God has done so much for us and I am greatful but I really need Him to help me with this one because I am at the end of my resources with this one.

Greatful Time Heals

Life has changed quite a bit since my last blog.  God did heal my marriage and we are now back together. We are in a new house and its been much better between us. I would go through the whole process of how it all happened but it was a long drawn out painful process so I shall refrain.
I wanted to update the blogs because I wanted to share how no matter how bad it may look hope prevails. It may not happen the way we expect or even want but our Lord always has our best in mind and the plans that He's made for us are better then what we had in mind.
Truly there is some days that still seem hard or even dark but I know that in the long run there is a purpose that is far better then what I thought of when I made my plans. I know that seems like I have no say in what happens so I just give in to it but not really. The only thing I really wanna give in to is yielding to the Holy Spirit.
Sometime I wish I didn't buck life so much but I'm also learning the struggle is part of the plan. Through struggles and trials we go through we have to change and we in some way have to mature. Its just a law of nature. We cant go through some things and not be forever changed and sometimes that change is good and sometimes that change hurts like Hell but we always see another part of who we are and a part of Who He is.