Tuesday will be the first anniversary since my husband and I split up. I knew it would be hard but knowing it and then actually facing it are two different things. I miss him terribly even though Im the one that left and there are days I do really really well and I even thought I was on the upswing but all the sudden Im plummeting to my death. God only knows the desperation Im feeling right now. I feel like Im struggling just to stay afloat and my boat is sinking faster then I can bail the water out.
I hate being lonely, I hate being in this situation. Im grumpy, Im weepy and I just want to scream even though I know it wont help matters any.
I know I know trust in God bla bla bla. Well you people that want to preach can just go poo in the lake.Hows THAT for being honest?
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Wow what a couple of weeks its been.
I had my "pre surgery on my leg and it has seemed to get rid of my hip pain all together. :) Im so happy but at the same time its hurt so long its been kind of surreal. I am able to straighten my leg more then I ever have and even put it on the floor when Im sitting in my chair.
Im glad it worked because the actual procedure was pretty traumatic. They couldn't find a vein on me for nooothing and I kid you not I have 6 BIG bruises on both arms. I look like I was beat up by a gang for Pet'es sake. They finally put me to sleep which I am SO thankful for to get the I.V. in and they also put me out all together as opposed to the "twilight sleep" they were gonna do.
I have been Oh well, it was worth it getting rid of pain I've had for nearly 15 years.
I've been kinda missing Mike this week. The holidays are coming up soon and its going to be awkward dealing with my family without him. Im kinda scared they are gonna trash him the whole time even though I still very much love him and also know I cant be with him til God does some huge changes in both of us.
Someone asked me today if he'd been abusive and it was really hard for me to answer honestly that he had been mentally and emotionally because I still have such an empty feeling without him. There is part of me that has hope for God to change us and make it better and there is another part that is terrified that it will be good for a while but just go back to being hurtful again.
I guess all I can do is do my part in obeying God and trying my very best to trust Him.
Im glad it worked because the actual procedure was pretty traumatic. They couldn't find a vein on me for nooothing and I kid you not I have 6 BIG bruises on both arms. I look like I was beat up by a gang for Pet'es sake. They finally put me to sleep which I am SO thankful for to get the I.V. in and they also put me out all together as opposed to the "twilight sleep" they were gonna do.
I have been Oh well, it was worth it getting rid of pain I've had for nearly 15 years.
I've been kinda missing Mike this week. The holidays are coming up soon and its going to be awkward dealing with my family without him. Im kinda scared they are gonna trash him the whole time even though I still very much love him and also know I cant be with him til God does some huge changes in both of us.
Someone asked me today if he'd been abusive and it was really hard for me to answer honestly that he had been mentally and emotionally because I still have such an empty feeling without him. There is part of me that has hope for God to change us and make it better and there is another part that is terrified that it will be good for a while but just go back to being hurtful again.
I guess all I can do is do my part in obeying God and trying my very best to trust Him.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Quotes from the book Get Out of That Pit - Beth Moore
Even if the steering wheel fits, you don't have to keep gripping it.
No matter what's on your feet, you can take this fact to the spiritual bank: a pit only gets deeper. Low ground always sinks. There's no living at maintenance level in the pit.
Our imaginations were fashioned like wicks to be ignited by the fire of fresh revelation, dripping with wax that God can imprint with His endless signatures
In light of God's shining upon us, we also glimpse refections of our true selves. We are meant to see ourselves as part of something so much bigger then we are.
When we won't forgive, the people we often want to be around least because they hurt us so badly are the very people we take with us emotionally everywhere we go.
There's no telling what kind of bludgeon the enemy wanted to use against you and against me, but in each of our lives God has only allowed what He knew after much thought and deliberation could be used for good, for the helping- even saving - of many lives.
We can't fool Him by hiding our inner motive. God looks intently not only on what we've done and how, but also why we did it.
He doesnt need us to feel small so He can feel big
No matter what's on your feet, you can take this fact to the spiritual bank: a pit only gets deeper. Low ground always sinks. There's no living at maintenance level in the pit.
Our imaginations were fashioned like wicks to be ignited by the fire of fresh revelation, dripping with wax that God can imprint with His endless signatures
In light of God's shining upon us, we also glimpse refections of our true selves. We are meant to see ourselves as part of something so much bigger then we are.
When we won't forgive, the people we often want to be around least because they hurt us so badly are the very people we take with us emotionally everywhere we go.
There's no telling what kind of bludgeon the enemy wanted to use against you and against me, but in each of our lives God has only allowed what He knew after much thought and deliberation could be used for good, for the helping- even saving - of many lives.
We can't fool Him by hiding our inner motive. God looks intently not only on what we've done and how, but also why we did it.
He doesnt need us to feel small so He can feel big
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
10/7/09
I've been trying to piece together a few things in the last 3 weeks. I realize this journey thing is gonna take a while but sometimes I just want it to go away. I'm glad I got the restraining order in some ways but in other ways its been more trouble then its worth and I want to just drop it.
I dont know how to explain the confusion Im going through right now. One minute I miss him and the next I want the divorce right now. I think about the good times when we are apart and then when we do have to see eachother even with supervision my heart wants to run away fast.
I feel like a nut job but I know it is part of the process.
At least spiritually I'm seeing some improvement...
I had that dream a couple weeks ago about me having a mission to take something to Jerusalem which is strange for me cause Im not really one to get into the "spiritual politic" stuff so I never even think about things like that.
I kinda put it on the shelf for a while then I went to that meeting on Saturday with the guest speaker who I was planning on avoiding for the rest of my life. I felt like God and me struggled til I conceded even though in my heart of hearts he knows i want to obey
After that I felt like I finally felt unblocked in my spirit in regards to the bible. I have been feeling blocked for 8 almost 9 years so Im amazed.
Psalm 42:7 has been on my heart a lot about Deep calls to deep. Never understood that verse at all til I ran into a commentary that was talking about how it refers to Two raging bodies of water kind of overtaking each other. Like white water and a waterfall. One is louder and bigger then the other but they interact and at times when they mix yo cant tell one from the other. I think thats what our relationship with Him is suppose to be like. Hes bigger and stronger but when we interact no one can tell us from Him.
I dont know how to explain the confusion Im going through right now. One minute I miss him and the next I want the divorce right now. I think about the good times when we are apart and then when we do have to see eachother even with supervision my heart wants to run away fast.
I feel like a nut job but I know it is part of the process.
At least spiritually I'm seeing some improvement...
I had that dream a couple weeks ago about me having a mission to take something to Jerusalem which is strange for me cause Im not really one to get into the "spiritual politic" stuff so I never even think about things like that.
I kinda put it on the shelf for a while then I went to that meeting on Saturday with the guest speaker who I was planning on avoiding for the rest of my life. I felt like God and me struggled til I conceded even though in my heart of hearts he knows i want to obey
After that I felt like I finally felt unblocked in my spirit in regards to the bible. I have been feeling blocked for 8 almost 9 years so Im amazed.
Psalm 42:7 has been on my heart a lot about Deep calls to deep. Never understood that verse at all til I ran into a commentary that was talking about how it refers to Two raging bodies of water kind of overtaking each other. Like white water and a waterfall. One is louder and bigger then the other but they interact and at times when they mix yo cant tell one from the other. I think thats what our relationship with Him is suppose to be like. Hes bigger and stronger but when we interact no one can tell us from Him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)