I've been trying to piece together a few things in the last 3 weeks. I realize this journey thing is gonna take a while but sometimes I just want it to go away. I'm glad I got the restraining order in some ways but in other ways its been more trouble then its worth and I want to just drop it.
I dont know how to explain the confusion Im going through right now. One minute I miss him and the next I want the divorce right now. I think about the good times when we are apart and then when we do have to see eachother even with supervision my heart wants to run away fast.
I feel like a nut job but I know it is part of the process.
At least spiritually I'm seeing some improvement...
I had that dream a couple weeks ago about me having a mission to take something to Jerusalem which is strange for me cause Im not really one to get into the "spiritual politic" stuff so I never even think about things like that.
I kinda put it on the shelf for a while then I went to that meeting on Saturday with the guest speaker who I was planning on avoiding for the rest of my life. I felt like God and me struggled til I conceded even though in my heart of hearts he knows i want to obey
After that I felt like I finally felt unblocked in my spirit in regards to the bible. I have been feeling blocked for 8 almost 9 years so Im amazed.
Psalm 42:7 has been on my heart a lot about Deep calls to deep. Never understood that verse at all til I ran into a commentary that was talking about how it refers to Two raging bodies of water kind of overtaking each other. Like white water and a waterfall. One is louder and bigger then the other but they interact and at times when they mix yo cant tell one from the other. I think thats what our relationship with Him is suppose to be like. Hes bigger and stronger but when we interact no one can tell us from Him.
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