Ok, so I've been sick with either a cold or the flu or just plain old tummy problems for 3 weeks now and Im frankly worn out and frustrated. I know it should be something I should just let go and realize everyone gets sick but seriously 3 weeks of not being able to leave my house without major consequences is making me cranky!
On top of all that Ive been hurting. Pain happens to me all the time and I've learned to kind of live with it and even ignore it most the time but its gotten to the point its worn me down so bad Im on the floor weeping sometimes.
I guess the part that bothers me the most is Im aggravated at God for "making" me this way. I mean I know he didnt bring sin into this world and all the other arguments that hes the healer and bla bla but seriously I cant stop this but HE CAN what is up with him ignoring me?
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Growth
Growth is a strange thing. Sometimes it comes in forms that look good and display beauty in a person. You can see more joy more peace more whatever. Sometimes however it comes in being more tough skinned and stronger, more assertive. That doesn't "look" pretty but it turns into good.
I know this last couple years have been a real growth spurt for me. Its been the "ugly" kind though. I'm more able to speak up for myself and more willing to be honest with people when I don't like the way I'm being treated. This is good except it has changed the way some people that are close to me see me. They don't like the change so I feel less acceptable to them even though I feel more acceptable to me.
I know I'll eventually "grow" into this but right now I don't really like it that much. I liked having peoples approval and pats on the back. I don't like being told I am not doing things right or that I'm not being "christian" enough because I wont take crap. Seems unfair somehow since the very same people expect me to treat them the way I'd like to be treated.
I know ultimately its the Lord's approval I'm after and someday that will be enough for me. Working out my own salvation is pretty hard.
I know this last couple years have been a real growth spurt for me. Its been the "ugly" kind though. I'm more able to speak up for myself and more willing to be honest with people when I don't like the way I'm being treated. This is good except it has changed the way some people that are close to me see me. They don't like the change so I feel less acceptable to them even though I feel more acceptable to me.
I know I'll eventually "grow" into this but right now I don't really like it that much. I liked having peoples approval and pats on the back. I don't like being told I am not doing things right or that I'm not being "christian" enough because I wont take crap. Seems unfair somehow since the very same people expect me to treat them the way I'd like to be treated.
I know ultimately its the Lord's approval I'm after and someday that will be enough for me. Working out my own salvation is pretty hard.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
I really want to learn how
Mike has really been stressed lately because our finances are really tight, I mean REALLY tight. Of course now that it is his computer that he makes a living on is struggling for survival. He just bought a new hard drive but because he has SO many of them and so much on them it's on overload.
I really try not to let his stress affect me but seriously it does. I don't understand why anger and yelling chills me to the bones but it does. I have tried to tell him this many times but its his way of working through what hes going through. I need to be the one to find out how to take care of my emotions in spite of his.
God has done so much for us and I am greatful but I really need Him to help me with this one because I am at the end of my resources with this one.
I really try not to let his stress affect me but seriously it does. I don't understand why anger and yelling chills me to the bones but it does. I have tried to tell him this many times but its his way of working through what hes going through. I need to be the one to find out how to take care of my emotions in spite of his.
God has done so much for us and I am greatful but I really need Him to help me with this one because I am at the end of my resources with this one.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Greatful Time Heals
Life has changed quite a bit since my last blog. God did heal my marriage and we are now back together. We are in a new house and its been much better between us. I would go through the whole process of how it all happened but it was a long drawn out painful process so I shall refrain.
I wanted to update the blogs because I wanted to share how no matter how bad it may look hope prevails. It may not happen the way we expect or even want but our Lord always has our best in mind and the plans that He's made for us are better then what we had in mind.
Truly there is some days that still seem hard or even dark but I know that in the long run there is a purpose that is far better then what I thought of when I made my plans. I know that seems like I have no say in what happens so I just give in to it but not really. The only thing I really wanna give in to is yielding to the Holy Spirit.
Sometime I wish I didn't buck life so much but I'm also learning the struggle is part of the plan. Through struggles and trials we go through we have to change and we in some way have to mature. Its just a law of nature. We cant go through some things and not be forever changed and sometimes that change is good and sometimes that change hurts like Hell but we always see another part of who we are and a part of Who He is.
I wanted to update the blogs because I wanted to share how no matter how bad it may look hope prevails. It may not happen the way we expect or even want but our Lord always has our best in mind and the plans that He's made for us are better then what we had in mind.
Truly there is some days that still seem hard or even dark but I know that in the long run there is a purpose that is far better then what I thought of when I made my plans. I know that seems like I have no say in what happens so I just give in to it but not really. The only thing I really wanna give in to is yielding to the Holy Spirit.
Sometime I wish I didn't buck life so much but I'm also learning the struggle is part of the plan. Through struggles and trials we go through we have to change and we in some way have to mature. Its just a law of nature. We cant go through some things and not be forever changed and sometimes that change is good and sometimes that change hurts like Hell but we always see another part of who we are and a part of Who He is.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Life has been nuts
After my surgery on January 14th I spent 2 weeks in the hospital, 2 weeks in the rehab center then the last 2 weeks in a nursing home. All be it a nice nursing home but still a nursing home. I've been home about a month now but I am just getting over the after effects of all that.
I was told that the surgery would be no big deal. Just a small incision and a light brace and I should be able to get around and do what I needed to do "no problem". Well that would have been true except they didn't tell me that I'd be spread eagle in the brace and it would be from the waist down so ya. I couldn't sit up, I couldn't take care of myself and I definitely couldn't do anything fun.
So I had to quick make arrangements to be in the long term care facilities which you would think would be easy but nooo. They have such strict rules getting into those places and the red tape stuff is ridiculous. I was already in pain but now I had to deal with stupid people who didnt want to divee up money. Oh boy how much fun its going to be now that the health plan went through. NOT.
Anyways the Mike thing STILL isnt done. I am so freaking schizophrenic about the whole thing that I think I need to be locked up. One minute Im missing him and wanting desperately to hang on to the legal separation so I dont have to totally let go of the marriage and the next minute I just want the divorce to get the whole thing out of my face. Im telling ya if I didnt have a month to wait on this "holding period" my mind would be so much more calm cause I could just go and get it done and not have to think about this any more.
Sometimes I think I have so many doubts that I shouldnt make a decision right now but other times I remember the bad things and the doubts go away. Somebody please knock some freaking sense in me!!!
I was told that the surgery would be no big deal. Just a small incision and a light brace and I should be able to get around and do what I needed to do "no problem". Well that would have been true except they didn't tell me that I'd be spread eagle in the brace and it would be from the waist down so ya. I couldn't sit up, I couldn't take care of myself and I definitely couldn't do anything fun.
So I had to quick make arrangements to be in the long term care facilities which you would think would be easy but nooo. They have such strict rules getting into those places and the red tape stuff is ridiculous. I was already in pain but now I had to deal with stupid people who didnt want to divee up money. Oh boy how much fun its going to be now that the health plan went through. NOT.
Anyways the Mike thing STILL isnt done. I am so freaking schizophrenic about the whole thing that I think I need to be locked up. One minute Im missing him and wanting desperately to hang on to the legal separation so I dont have to totally let go of the marriage and the next minute I just want the divorce to get the whole thing out of my face. Im telling ya if I didnt have a month to wait on this "holding period" my mind would be so much more calm cause I could just go and get it done and not have to think about this any more.
Sometimes I think I have so many doubts that I shouldnt make a decision right now but other times I remember the bad things and the doubts go away. Somebody please knock some freaking sense in me!!!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
God blows me away
I have had such amazing things happen. The funny thing is I never even saw them happening til I saw the fruits of them.
I was having a really bad weekend. I was having the usual Christmas bad memory screens, my home health working company was causing me problems and on top of that I was missing Mike so bad it was insane. On Monday I kind of just came to the end of my rope and called a friend who prayed with me and encouraged me which I am so thankful to God for. I worked through it and thought to myself. Gee I thought I was improving and how did I back track so badly? I was reminded that we all stumble from time to time and not to keep looking back. God doesnt care so much about what we do as who we are. I always kinda knew that to a point but I am finally "getting" it and its like a rest I've never ever known before. So good and bad He wants both and loves me in them.
I could see how much i'd laid this down when my friend who knows Mike called me and said he'd ordered tickets for me but it was at a taping he was gonna do so there was no way I could go. What he was thinking I dont know but regardless I called my sister and asked her if she wanted them. She was so suprized that I would want her too but I told her "Your relationship with him has nothing to do with our relationship together".
I could not say that a couple months ago, even a month ago. God is so cool
I was having a really bad weekend. I was having the usual Christmas bad memory screens, my home health working company was causing me problems and on top of that I was missing Mike so bad it was insane. On Monday I kind of just came to the end of my rope and called a friend who prayed with me and encouraged me which I am so thankful to God for. I worked through it and thought to myself. Gee I thought I was improving and how did I back track so badly? I was reminded that we all stumble from time to time and not to keep looking back. God doesnt care so much about what we do as who we are. I always kinda knew that to a point but I am finally "getting" it and its like a rest I've never ever known before. So good and bad He wants both and loves me in them.
I could see how much i'd laid this down when my friend who knows Mike called me and said he'd ordered tickets for me but it was at a taping he was gonna do so there was no way I could go. What he was thinking I dont know but regardless I called my sister and asked her if she wanted them. She was so suprized that I would want her too but I told her "Your relationship with him has nothing to do with our relationship together".
I could not say that a couple months ago, even a month ago. God is so cool
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Family is fun :/
So Im really trying to handle this separation well even though Im not feeling it and now my mother decides because she's having a hard time with the holidays she'll take it out on me.
Yesterday i was on the phone and I didnt know my cell phone was on "silent" so my sister called and couldnt get ahold of me. Of course she freaked out and told my mom and my mom comes over in a huff that she had to check on me cause I "wouldnt" answer my phone. Ok I can understand being frustrated at that but she said I gotta go and I said well can I have a hug first? She said of all things, "Do I have too?" Shes never said that to me
Ouch ouch and double ouch.
So anyways I try to work through it thinking shes human bla bla but it still stung so I spent alot of the morning crying so hard I had dry heaves.
I cannot wait til the holidays are over.
Yesterday i was on the phone and I didnt know my cell phone was on "silent" so my sister called and couldnt get ahold of me. Of course she freaked out and told my mom and my mom comes over in a huff that she had to check on me cause I "wouldnt" answer my phone. Ok I can understand being frustrated at that but she said I gotta go and I said well can I have a hug first? She said of all things, "Do I have too?" Shes never said that to me
Ouch ouch and double ouch.
So anyways I try to work through it thinking shes human bla bla but it still stung so I spent alot of the morning crying so hard I had dry heaves.
I cannot wait til the holidays are over.
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